I am struggling again with my angel, like Jacob of the Bible. The perfect man, the Rocicrucian, the Rune master who I so much wish to become. Yet I see myself age in the shallows of my own mistakes, errors and wrong doings. I have to fight against the thoughts of having failed to live this life impregnated with meaning. I would love to look back and count successes. Off course there are successes but when I put the successes and failures on Thoth’s scales those hard earned successes seems to weigh less than the initial victories. The victories I had was mostly short term while the failures seem to linger longer, like ghosts looking over my shoulders. I am ultra aware that my cup is running empty and my time to still bring meaning to life is less with each second passing by. In my struggle, I cast these thoughts off my back and I deny them their power so that I can just have another day of attempting to live another day a beautiful life fully. I ignore the dawn of my own existence as the focus sharpens on the present moment. But today I had the need to write these thoughts as cryptic and short as they are so that I can be honest with my own inner being. Maybe it is changing my tactics in struggling with my angel so that I can move from denial to acceptance. I hope to accept myself with my failures. I consider the possibility that I will be alone at some stage, alone with the memories of defeat and failure still tugging at my conscience. My only consolation was that I always tried to be my best….being impeccable in my life to live my values to the best of my ability. I do not know if sincerity is a good excuse for failure but it is maybe the only one I have.
zeal4living