Negative contemplation

My attention is for a fleeting moment on this topic and then on another. I am still far from being a sage and mastery of life seems only a dream at the moment. Sure I have learned many lessons, and I cope well with a world that sometimes seems malevolent. But when I review my life and what I have achieved or attained…there is little that can be written in the form of real progress. I am like a rudderless ship that is blown around by the wind without having any navigation skills.

Maybe this life was about learning about mistakes, experiencing them. I do not even know if that was truly successful. I do not think I have learned the lessons I am suppose to be learning. What should I have done differently? I truly do not know whether I would have done things differently or lived a better life having done it for a second time. The moment you take a different direction you start learning from the start. We are born with a sense of blindness, unable to see the consequences of our actions into the future and unable to phantom where a small decision will be taking us. We can only read the ramifications of the future in part. I touched lives on a mundane level, but have I ever touched somebody on a deep level.  I find myself on an island, isolated despite a life time of effort to be there for others.

Is my rambling that of a cynic maniac or maybe a depressed soul that does not want to acknowledge it. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe the different pressures slamming against my boat like the waves of a storm just seem so much bigger and beyond me at the moment. My sin for the most part is procrastination….yes, if there is one thing that has time and time again hampered me from progress it is waiting, delaying….